Salute to adventures, to new friends

There is a graveyard in my mouth filled with words that have died on my lips.
-Emily Palmero

Home is where the Heart is – Part 2
Continued from Part 1.

So when I arrived at the airport and went through security I got my suitcase and continued on to the meeting point.
At the exit for arrivals (not of the airport itself) was a crowd of people. Everyone was holding up signs with random names or just company logos. It was so crowded I couldn’t see if there was someone with a sign for me. I searched high and low. Found the meeting point but couldn’t find my pickup.
Furthermore my phone had decided to die in that moment – so typical, really – and so I went in search of a payphone. Thank you China for still having those ancient things!!
I called my pickup and she found me soon after. She was really nice and we talked a bit on the long long looooong way to the appartement.
Did I mention it took us a long time to get there? It took us more than an hour! Goodness, that city is bloody big!

First thing we did when we arrived at my accommodation is getting a metro and a SIM card.
And we greeted the others. Scary, really.
I mean I like people in generall. But getting introduced to a bunch of people who are all staring at you like you have two heads. (And if I indeed should have two heads: Why did nobody tell me?!) It generally gives me that “new kid in school” feeling. I’m sure you can relate and agree that it’s not a nice feeling to have.
But thankfully the people turned out nice. Most of them….
Some I only saw once or twice because they were leaving soon after and some I genuinely didn’t like because they acted like the world should grovel before them. But I played nice. Not like I have to see them ever again afterwards.
Most of the other volunteers were cool though. Really nice, cute and interesting.
Cute in the sense that they were sweet and happy people. Most of the times.

In the first few days we went sightseeing a lot. Almost all day.
And partied some. (At least in my case as the others were clubbing 4 out of 4 times and I only joined once or twice I think.)

We all went to Qibao, Yu Garden and the Global Financial Tower Observatory together. The crowd was cool. I miss them lots.
Unfortunately I hadn’t adjusted to China yet. Which – in my case – just results in the non-existance of hunger for me. I don’t want to eat, drink or even be awake in those moments. Of course I always joined in on daytime activities and dinner with everyone because I knew it would help me adjust faster and make me feel better. It still took me over a week to finally feel hunger again. And that week was horrible.
Imagine that food is tasteless – no matter how often the others claim otherwise – and that only the mere thought of food makes you feel sick. I know I was loosing weight rapidly in that single week.
When my hunger and appetite returned to me one week after my arrival I had already switched destinations as I was moved to accommodations directly in the school I would be teaching at. Which is located a little outside the city centre (it takes almost one hour from the school to the city centre by metro).
I believe I might have gotten my hunger back sooner had I not been moved three days after my arrival.

But because I was living so far out I couldn’t really enjoy the city much. I tried to visit the others as often as possible but until a new girl arrived at my school (let’s call her A.) I felt pretty isolated because I lived on campus with a curfew at 10 p.m. and nobody to talk to. The teachers were trying to be nice and my supervisor sat with me at lunch most of the times but most of the times I ended up being alone.

Imagine being alone in a foreign country without ever being alone. The more people are around you the more you feel that you don’t belong.
I’m a very social person. I like being surrounded by people. The thing is: I need to be able to talk to them. Communication is the key for me. I think I would have gone crazy very fast had A. not arrived in time.
Together we didn’t feel as isolated anymore. Additionally we moved to the central flat (dubbed the “weekend flat” which sounds awfully posh) every weekend just to stay connected to the city’s heartbeat.

The city is incredible. The nightlife, the people, the things to see and the men.
If you’re pretty you can have your pick of men.
And god knows I experimented a lot.
There was S. from Montenegro (clingy as hell!), Ad. from the US (no common sense), O. from the Netherlands (total douchebag!), Al. from France (twice and also known as the guy who never called) and M. from Germany (more of a friend really).
And then there were Bili from Montenegro and Alex from Sweden.
Both hot as hell.
Bili was a model there and I met his flat mates more often than I would have ever thought. They’re nice though. And he was the only one that insisted on bringing me to the metro each morning – even if he was already late for a casting – and making or getting me breakfast. I think he was a little concerned about me.
He may not be the greatest kisser but is so sweet it should be illegal. I had hoped to stay in contact with him for longer but his texts are getting lesser and lesser. Granted, he is home for Christmas and the reception is not the greatest there.

And Alex? His eyes make me weak in the knees. So blue! I met him – opposed to the others – not in a club but at my language course. He was sitting next to me and we got talking.
When I invited him and V. (the woman he worked with) to go clubbing with me and the others he invited us to a pre-party at his place.
We went there and met his flat mates and other friends. And somehow I never managed to go clubbing that night.
I stayed and in the morning I was unsure what to feel.
I saw him again in the language course and things were so un-awkward it was amazing. I always felt very safe with him. He may be an arrogant snob. But highly intelligent. He always knew what to say or do to make me do exactly what he wanted. And I never realized until afterwards. He will be a great lawyer one day.
I really had to restrain myself with him because I felt so content with him it scares me even now.
The second “incident” was when his parents were there for a visit and he texted me if I would like to come over to do something with him. We decided on a movie together.
Only when his hands started wandering I realized that it was just an elaborate booty-call. I’ve never been one for one night stands and I never had a boyfriend before (which results in me being a virgin to this day). So I never would have thought that was his intention. Incredibly naïve of me, I know.
Problem is, his aforementioned eyes really crumble all my resolves and his kisses are really good. (Damn you, Alex!)
Third incident. We never left the club where we met by chance that fateful night.
His pupils were so dilated I don’t know if he had taken something, was already drunk or just aroused.
He really brings out my dark side and I often wonder what could have been. And he makes my mind shut up. The silence is as wonderful as it is dangerous to not be able to form a coherent thought.
His tactic to get what he wants: “I think I’m falling in love with you…”
I never really bought his act. Personally I think he is not the relationship kind of guy. And I want the relationship kind of guy. He is “hot as hell” – as a friend of mine would put it – and knows it. And I’m young and naïve and he knows it. And he comes after whatever he wants. Pursues it with a vengeance.

Logically seen I should be missing Bili who treated me well but it’s like in the song “On my mind” by Ellie Goulding:

It’s a little blurry how the whole thing started
I don’t even really know what you intended
Thought that you were cute and you could make me jealous
Poured it down, so I poured it down
Next thing that I know I’m in a hotel with you
You were talking deep like it was mad love to you
You wanted my heart but I just liked your tattoos
Poured it down, so I poured it down

And now I don’t understand it
You don’t mess with love, you mess with the truth
And I know I shouldn’t say it
But my heart doesn’t understand

Why I got you on my mind
Why I got you on my mind
Why I got you on my mind
Why I got you on my mind
But my heart doesn’t understand
Why I got you on my mind
Why I got you on my mind
Why I got you on my mind
Why I got you on my mind

I always hear, always hear them talking
Talking ’bout a girl, ’bout a girl with my name
Saying that I hurt you but I still don’t get it
You didn’t love me, no, not really
Wait, I could have really liked you
I’ll bet, I’ll bet that’s why I keep on thinking ’bout you
It’s a shame, you said I was good
So I poured it down, so I poured it down

And now I don’t understand it
You don’t mess with love, you mess with the truth
And I know I shouldn’t say it
But my heart doesn’t understand

Why I got you on my mind
Why I got you on my mind
Why I got you on my mind
Why I got you on my mind
But my heart doesn’t understand
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mi-i-i-i-ind

You got yourself in a dangerous zone
Cause we both have the fear, fear of being alone

And I still don’t understand it
You don’t mess with love, you mess with the truth
And my heart doesn’t understand it, understand it, understand it

Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mind
But my heart doesn’t understand
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mind
But my heart don’t understand
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
You think you know somebody
Why I got you on my mind
You think you know somebody
Uh, uh, uh, uh

Of course minus the part where I broke his heart. Because I didn’t. How can I break someones heart when he doesn’t love me.
But I always have to think about what could have been.
What if I judged him wrongly and he really had some kinds of feelings for me? I highly doubt it but the thought alone makes me really sad.
He’s the one that got away, I guess.
Maybe he only crashed into my life again and again because I fought him tooth and nail.
Thing is, I didn’t only fight him tooth and nail. I fought myself. When I saw him I felt secure and out of breath at the same time. Like one wrongly placed step will send me tumbling down the rabbit hole.
If I was Alice than he was the Cheshire cat.
So I fought to control my heartbeat, my actions and my reactions to him. I almost succeeded. Almost.

Alex, should you read this by chance:
I take it back. I don’t want to be only friends.
But I want to hear what you really think about me. The truth! I don’t care if you break my heart, but at least then I don’t have to fight with “what-if”‘s anymore.
On the other hand I don’t want you to be a stranger either should I be right about you after all and you really hold no affections for me.

I’ll cut this short here. Baring my soul has exhausted me but also lifted a weight of my heart I didn’t knew I carried.

Until Part 3, honeys.

–Kitsune

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Published by: Kitsune

I love art of any kind as long as it doesn't involve a long-winded explanation about what it should represent or not. Thus I love to draw. Be it pencil on paper, digital or on a canvas. Of course I'm nowhere near the level of some artists in the world but I like to think that I'm steadily improving. I like reading and drinking tea but also go out if I have the oppurtunity and the right company. I'm a night person which is also the reason why most of my posts are written and published around 11 p.m. to 3 a.m. in the night.

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